Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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