Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
