Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
