I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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