I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
