Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize