I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize