I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
