You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But theres a keg here and me gusta
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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