there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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