Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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