My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
