im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
