she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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