John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize