1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
