I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
