I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
