is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
last night I used snow as a chaser
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
