Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Blood and glitter go together right?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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