I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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