Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
