Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
