Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
