just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
