I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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