Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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