I'm so fucking centered right now
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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