you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
