omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
