you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I could fuck to npr.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
