Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
