Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
