I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I enjoy the company of your penis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
