I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
