and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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