even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
