theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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