get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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