At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
