so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
