Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
