you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
