I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
