I will die if light touches me.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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