I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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