i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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