I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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