I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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