If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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