youre lurking in front of me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
