I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
