My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
