Don't make out with my wife yet
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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