His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
