Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
